In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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