I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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