Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
