When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
