Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
