I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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