And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
