apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
