you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
