Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
last night I used snow as a chaser
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