3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
