I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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