I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
