I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
