Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
