my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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