Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
