There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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