so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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