well I can't set my house on fire every night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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