My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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