explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
