Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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