Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
