Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
