Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
