WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i've created a new STD.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
