I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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