my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
