I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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