we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
