we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want a musical about memes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
