and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
