Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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