I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
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We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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