I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I touched a dick in church today
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
