I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
