Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
