Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
