On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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