Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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