dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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