so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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