Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
