you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
