Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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