So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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