I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My bed smells like the plague
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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