My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
