I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
