We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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