And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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