someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
