I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
