I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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