I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
